All this things happened in my forum is making me cry. I mean I don't want to admit this but if you really know me you would know that I'm very emotional & sensitive person. I cry a lot. I get touched easily and I get hurt easily. Really, I don't know how I could say that in better words..but really all this thing is breaking my heart like really really bad. And as I write this, I can't help the tear falling down on my face. I don't want to, I really don't want to show anyone this but it has really got me so bad and I thought I was going to die if I were not to write in here. Honestly, I quit xanga & myspace almost 1-2 years ago. Even after I made this for the forum, I never checked after my last entry. And here I am. Coming back here because this is the only place where I can just say everything I want without people thinking that I'm a "bad one" This is just a place where I can tell myself out of everything I have in my mind.
I don't know if you would know but when I decided to open a forum for TVXQ, at first I thought my forum was going to be forgotten. I mean you already know how many TVXQ forums are out there right now and only 1-2 has lasted and is quite big with many members. But I never even imagined that my forum will come to its place now. I thought that my forum will be down in like matter of time thinking you know "oh just a place where I can do anything related to TVXQ" but uh yeah now it has many members though there are still inactive members, I was really happy seeing many members beside me, supporting me and just being so friendly to me. And that's when I realized what I did was a good thing. My act of making this forum.
How should I say this? Being an admin is hard. I think it's really hard. And yes there was times I thought "I want to quit" "I can't do this anymore" "This takes too much of my time" but that has stranded away from my heart long time ago. I really like doing this and I like the fact that I have my own place to just talk about TVXQ only. As you know, none of my friends I mean not even one person that I know that are my friends or around me that I know in person likes TVXQ. I'm like the only one. Oh yes, I was like them too. I never knew TVXQ. I never even really liked Korean Music in general. My everyday listen was some of LL COOL J, Lloyd Banks, Marques Houston, Omarion & other hiphop artists and R&B ones. In fact, I still listen to them. I really like their music. However, TVXQ caught my attention. Very. I still remember like before I came to like TVXQ, I saw them once on TV singing "My Little Princess" on MBC and them coming out on some "Korean Comedy Show" in MBC doing some accappella. First thing that came to my mind was "WTH are they? Why does he look like a girl? Is he/she a girl (pointing to Jaejoong) and why is that guys hair like a bagaji (Micky) and I was just like whatever, they probably go in after some time" but gosh, I was so wrong. I saw them after a year or so performing "I Wish" in SBS Ingikayo. Why did they look so angels to me? They looked great. All of them. Each member had their own attractive charms and their song, the lyrics has touched my heart. That's how I began to love TVXQ.
Now, TVXQ has became my life. Not a part of my life but MY LIFE. I seriously cannot live a day without doing/thinking whatever related to TVXQ. I think about them everyday 24/7 and even in my dreams I see them. (usually Yunho Oppa)
Anyways..sometimes I don't know why I have to do this. But I do it because I enjoy doing it. And I find myself happy doing it. And I love it when people read it and they get all happy too. That just gets me big.
But now, people start to doubt. I don't know what I did wrong. I mean okay. People picking out my mistakes, I should thank you for giving me an oppotunity to realize my shortcomings right?
Sigh, like I said earlier, I am very emotional and sensitive person and I get hurt very easily and once one person has hurted me in some way I would never ever go back to liking that person or maybe it'll take very long time for my scar to heal and become friends once again.
But to those woh's always been supporting me, I'm not lying but I remember each one of you guys and I try to remember you by your name and etc and I am constantly thinking of how I can pay you guys back for being so friendly and nice to me and toward the forum.
I don't know anymore. I guess I was the only one that was being true to myself which is in another word, innocent.
But I still cannot stop the tears coming out of my face. I feel so sad. I've never been so sad like this. It makes me even more sad than anything because this is related to our TVXQ boys and I can so imagine their faces on my head right now and it makes me want to cry more for thinking I didn't do a good job for the boys and for other lovers of TVXQ. | 
